After weeks of awkward messages, creepy names, and seriously disturbing conversations I can say with strong confidence that I am a bit burnt out by this internet dating mumbo jumbo. Things just got worst when I thought I had actually picked through all the bad apples and actually found a good apple. However, I feel like this 'good' apple might have been my imagination playing dirty dirty tricks on me. Here is Mr. "Good Apple’s" story.
I had been messaging back and forth with Mr. Apple for a week or so. He seemed nice, it looked like he had all of his stuff together (he had a job and a car...you can't ask for too much on dating sites). Most importantly, he went to the same college as I did and we both love watching football. The day before I left for a vacation we exchanged numbers. Throughout the vacation we texted non-stop; he seemed like a pretty cool guy and I had fun talking to him. (Side note: you will probably never hear me say that I like a guy before I meet him. How in God's name do you like someone while just texting with them? I don't get that. I like texting with him. That is far as I will go).
Let's fast forward to the day after I get back from my trip. We start texting (obviously he texts me first because I am all about playing hard to get...false. I usually have very little restraint, but I barely know this guy/don't know him at all, so I found the patience that I lack normally and waited for him to contact me) and he started to ask when we should meet. Perfect. Let's meet! (Ok, so I am acting casual about meeting, but in the back of my mind I freaking the hell out due to the fact I hate blind dates)! Then Mr. Good Apple decides to not pick a time or a day for the date. He just kept on saying, "Soon". Perfect Mr. Johnny Appleseed. Just perfect.
I have to back up a little to tell you that Mr. Apple may or may not have had a couple strikes against him already. First strike, he was being a little fishy about questions about his life. Not giving me the full run down on things. Strike one. Strike two was because he didn't like my football team and liked a creepy team from a creepy village. Not a big deal to you? Big deal to me!
The worst part of this whole thing?! I took a gander at his profile again today. Now his profile is covered with red flags that I didn't see before. Such as, he doesn't think he wants kids, he likes to garden (what the hell?), and he doesn't live in my city (you might be asking how I didn't realize he didn't live in my city...all I can tell you is that I am just not a very observant person. My bad).
Is Mr. Apple my diamond in the rough? Or just rough? Only time will tell. Maybe I should go out with him to find out.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The winner is...
I found him! I finally found him! No, not the love o' my life, but the biggest doucher in America! This message is phenomenal and doesn't need any introduction. So without further adieu I give you Mr. Douchebag McGee. You're welcome!
"I have a concern. I think we should have the time of our life tonight! Just in case tomorrow aliens come down and steal all the pretty women who have beauty that is literally from another planet. Given most of the women in this world are cookie cutter, plastic, orange skin and bleached hair. And then Cherry appeared. So I know "if" big "if" right? Well "if" the aliens come tomorrow at least we will be able to say your last night on earth was amazing. Sounds pretty fantastic doesn't it?"
God Bless America!
"I have a concern. I think we should have the time of our life tonight! Just in case tomorrow aliens come down and steal all the pretty women who have beauty that is literally from another planet. Given most of the women in this world are cookie cutter, plastic, orange skin and bleached hair. And then Cherry appeared. So I know "if" big "if" right? Well "if" the aliens come tomorrow at least we will be able to say your last night on earth was amazing. Sounds pretty fantastic doesn't it?"
God Bless America!
Monday, August 16, 2010
2 weeks in
I have now officially been on a dating website for about two weeks and I may or may not have a story or two already. First and foremost, I decided to join a free site for a couple reasons. The main reason is that I am cheap. Very cheap. The second reason is that I may or may not be fully committed to this adventure yet and it is hard to justify spending money on something I don’t really believe in 100%. I will not be telling you guys which site I am on because I may (on occasion) talk badly about it!
Within the first couple days of joining the site I had started talking to a few men. One happen to have a child, so he is out (no offense to children, but I still act like a child some days, so I am not ready for my own) and one seemed ok. Until I got his third email that asked me for my number. Remember last post when I told you I hated talking on the phone? So, when Mr. Man tried to rush to the digits I was slightly more than nervous about it. Awesome. First two guys= fail! Ok, one guy failed and one guy scared me so I take that as two fails!
If I thought it would stop at two guys equaling a fail…I was mistaken! I have had about a handful of gentlemen who have made me contemplate whether I should continue online dating or enter a nunnery instead.
Here are some examples of some wonderful men out there (please keep in mind that I am picky…very picky).
1. I shall call him Mr. Likes to speak his Mind without Thinking: Mr. Likes had a good profile and seemed like a pretty chill guy until I read his PS at the end of his first email. All it said is: “PS- I like curvy women ” Awesome. Literally my picture barely shows my upper half. Damn you boobs! Not sure if he thought it was a compliment to get me to feel comfortable. I just thought he needed lessons on how to talk to a woman. Rude stick goes to you sir.
2. I shall call him Mr. I say WAY too much on my Profile that makes Zero Sense: Mr. Way to Much seemed pretty cute, but when I scrolled down to his interests he claimed he was interested in “discriminating within reason”. Not sure what that means Mr. Man, but I am going to discriminate against you. At least I have a reason.
3. I shall call him Mr. Find a New Name STAT: Mr. Name’s profile name is Good 69. I am not kidding. I wouldn’t make this up. He also used all caps in his message to me. I wanted to write back. STOP YELLING and please for the love of everything good and holy figure out a new name! I wonder if that name ever works…this girl will never find out! See ya!
4. I shall call him Mr. Rasta Man: I got a message one day that simple said, “You are beautiful” I don’t care who you are. That is sweet. I checked out his profile and this man had hair down to his hip area and he was 45. I realize age is just a number, but 45 is a number that is too high for me. Oh. The best part is that he messaged me again a couple hours later to say, “You really are beautiful.” Thank you sir. By the way, Bob Marley called, he wants his hair back. Hasta!
5. I shall call him Mr. No Clue how to Court a Lady: Mr. No Clue and I had messaged back and forth a couple times and No Clue decided that it was time for us to meet for the first time. I was thinking the first date would include a nice dinner, or drinks, or a walk in the park. I was thinking wrong. Mr. No Clue had another idea. Literally the man asked me if I would like to meet him at Denny’s. Denny’s?! Are we going to go there after being over served at 2:30 a.m.? Because that is the only time I have entered that establishment. Usually I am a nice human but I had to respond to that with, “Going to Denny’s sounds like a terrible idea. Sorry.” Eat a Grand Slam for me sometime buddy!
Ok, now after writing down five of my stories I realize that some of them are not so bad, and I may just be the Miss Picky Patty that everyone tells me I am. I am trying to be open, but for now I am thinking being picky is an ok thing to weed out the goobers and find my one true lobster (this is a Friends reference by the way).
Two weeks in and no true love, but I have met some truly “special” men. So, it hasn’t been a total loss…yet!
Within the first couple days of joining the site I had started talking to a few men. One happen to have a child, so he is out (no offense to children, but I still act like a child some days, so I am not ready for my own) and one seemed ok. Until I got his third email that asked me for my number. Remember last post when I told you I hated talking on the phone? So, when Mr. Man tried to rush to the digits I was slightly more than nervous about it. Awesome. First two guys= fail! Ok, one guy failed and one guy scared me so I take that as two fails!
If I thought it would stop at two guys equaling a fail…I was mistaken! I have had about a handful of gentlemen who have made me contemplate whether I should continue online dating or enter a nunnery instead.
Here are some examples of some wonderful men out there (please keep in mind that I am picky…very picky).
1. I shall call him Mr. Likes to speak his Mind without Thinking: Mr. Likes had a good profile and seemed like a pretty chill guy until I read his PS at the end of his first email. All it said is: “PS- I like curvy women ” Awesome. Literally my picture barely shows my upper half. Damn you boobs! Not sure if he thought it was a compliment to get me to feel comfortable. I just thought he needed lessons on how to talk to a woman. Rude stick goes to you sir.
2. I shall call him Mr. I say WAY too much on my Profile that makes Zero Sense: Mr. Way to Much seemed pretty cute, but when I scrolled down to his interests he claimed he was interested in “discriminating within reason”. Not sure what that means Mr. Man, but I am going to discriminate against you. At least I have a reason.
3. I shall call him Mr. Find a New Name STAT: Mr. Name’s profile name is Good 69. I am not kidding. I wouldn’t make this up. He also used all caps in his message to me. I wanted to write back. STOP YELLING and please for the love of everything good and holy figure out a new name! I wonder if that name ever works…this girl will never find out! See ya!
4. I shall call him Mr. Rasta Man: I got a message one day that simple said, “You are beautiful” I don’t care who you are. That is sweet. I checked out his profile and this man had hair down to his hip area and he was 45. I realize age is just a number, but 45 is a number that is too high for me. Oh. The best part is that he messaged me again a couple hours later to say, “You really are beautiful.” Thank you sir. By the way, Bob Marley called, he wants his hair back. Hasta!
5. I shall call him Mr. No Clue how to Court a Lady: Mr. No Clue and I had messaged back and forth a couple times and No Clue decided that it was time for us to meet for the first time. I was thinking the first date would include a nice dinner, or drinks, or a walk in the park. I was thinking wrong. Mr. No Clue had another idea. Literally the man asked me if I would like to meet him at Denny’s. Denny’s?! Are we going to go there after being over served at 2:30 a.m.? Because that is the only time I have entered that establishment. Usually I am a nice human but I had to respond to that with, “Going to Denny’s sounds like a terrible idea. Sorry.” Eat a Grand Slam for me sometime buddy!
Ok, now after writing down five of my stories I realize that some of them are not so bad, and I may just be the Miss Picky Patty that everyone tells me I am. I am trying to be open, but for now I am thinking being picky is an ok thing to weed out the goobers and find my one true lobster (this is a Friends reference by the way).
Two weeks in and no true love, but I have met some truly “special” men. So, it hasn’t been a total loss…yet!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Let's Do This!
So, here's the deal...I am a 28 year old single woman living in a big/little city (if you don't know what that means you might just want to contemplate it for a hot second). Ok, I will explain that one, so you can get used to my special vocabulary (you will soon find out that I have a language that is quite interesting at times. My friends and I seem to enjoy creating new words and new meanings. We think it is funny. That is why we don’t have that many friends). It is big, but it is also has a bit of a small town feel (this sentence refers to the city I live in, but I have to say this…that's what she said). Ok, back to me. My name is Cherry. I live in a city. I am single and I am ready to mingle...maybe.
Here is the thing about me. I enjoy men I really (really) do, but I have never been super serious with any of them. I usually enjoy the casual hang outs/hook ups for a couple days/sporadically or for one night. I am not a dirty girl by any means, but I have been around in some sense of the word.
I have hung out with all sorts of men. Short, tall...ish (I say ish because I am rather short, so all my tall friends get a bit angry pants if I take one of their vertically blessed men), funny, not at all remotely amusing, cute, not so cute, intelligent, and really unintelligent. After thinking about the many years that I have just been hanging out with all these men, but not committed to any of them I have to ask myself, "why not?" Some of my amigas claim that I am afraid of commitment. Now that I am 28 and STILL single I might have to start agreeing with them.
So, this brings me up to the present. What can I do to help shake my fear of commitment? Then it hit me. Maybe I need to start putting myself out there, so that I can start meeting guys that aren’t…ridiculous (this was the nicest word I could think of). In my life it is pretty hard to meet anyone. I work with only women or gay men, I only hang out with my friends and their husbands, the thought of meeting men at gyms makes me want to vomit a bit, and then I go to bars. Let it be known that going to a bar will almost never give you a healthy relationship. Believe me. I have tried. Ok, I haven't really tried, but I gave a small effort (remember that fear of commitment thing). Anyway, the bottom line is that my life is not conducive to finding and meeting wonderful men.
Then I realized. It is 2010. The twenty first century is the century for internet dating. I needed to get on a website and stat. There were only a few problems with this new adventure.
1. I hate dating. Literally HATE it.
2. Blind dates are possibly the worst.
3. I despise using the phone. It is so bad that my Mom had to learn to text or else she would never be able to talk to me because I never answer phone calls.
4. Online dating...really? Do I really want to do this?
The answer...not really. But that might change. Bottom line is I need to put myself out there. I need to start stretching my limits, to get out of my comfort zone, so I can experience all that life has to offer. Here it is. My commitment. I will commit to giving this online dating thing a chance. By creating this blog I have forced myself to stay accountable.
I have no idea what will come out of this new little adventure I have started. But what I can promise is that there will be embarrassing moments, hilarious stories, awkward dates, and all around good times...possibly. I will be documenting them all for you.
Let's do this!
Here is the thing about me. I enjoy men I really (really) do, but I have never been super serious with any of them. I usually enjoy the casual hang outs/hook ups for a couple days/sporadically or for one night. I am not a dirty girl by any means, but I have been around in some sense of the word.
I have hung out with all sorts of men. Short, tall...ish (I say ish because I am rather short, so all my tall friends get a bit angry pants if I take one of their vertically blessed men), funny, not at all remotely amusing, cute, not so cute, intelligent, and really unintelligent. After thinking about the many years that I have just been hanging out with all these men, but not committed to any of them I have to ask myself, "why not?" Some of my amigas claim that I am afraid of commitment. Now that I am 28 and STILL single I might have to start agreeing with them.
So, this brings me up to the present. What can I do to help shake my fear of commitment? Then it hit me. Maybe I need to start putting myself out there, so that I can start meeting guys that aren’t…ridiculous (this was the nicest word I could think of). In my life it is pretty hard to meet anyone. I work with only women or gay men, I only hang out with my friends and their husbands, the thought of meeting men at gyms makes me want to vomit a bit, and then I go to bars. Let it be known that going to a bar will almost never give you a healthy relationship. Believe me. I have tried. Ok, I haven't really tried, but I gave a small effort (remember that fear of commitment thing). Anyway, the bottom line is that my life is not conducive to finding and meeting wonderful men.
Then I realized. It is 2010. The twenty first century is the century for internet dating. I needed to get on a website and stat. There were only a few problems with this new adventure.
1. I hate dating. Literally HATE it.
2. Blind dates are possibly the worst.
3. I despise using the phone. It is so bad that my Mom had to learn to text or else she would never be able to talk to me because I never answer phone calls.
4. Online dating...really? Do I really want to do this?
The answer...not really. But that might change. Bottom line is I need to put myself out there. I need to start stretching my limits, to get out of my comfort zone, so I can experience all that life has to offer. Here it is. My commitment. I will commit to giving this online dating thing a chance. By creating this blog I have forced myself to stay accountable.
I have no idea what will come out of this new little adventure I have started. But what I can promise is that there will be embarrassing moments, hilarious stories, awkward dates, and all around good times...possibly. I will be documenting them all for you.
Let's do this!
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