Due to a Spring Break "staycation" and a little bit of boredom I found myself giving out my number to a random suitor a couple weeks ago. I do not recommend giving out numbers to randoms, but this one has turned into quite the bit of entertainment for me.
A bit of background about this guy. I gave my number out and he texted a couple times without me responding because I realized how dumb it was to give out my number so quickly. However, during my staycation I partook in a few beverages of the vino variety and it made my decision making skills a little less than brilliant, so I ended up talking to him a bit. We texted for about a week and then one random weeknight I was hanging out with a friend at my house and I got an nugget of pure gold. A textaroo to do him a favor. Here is our conversation. Literally, taken out of my phone and typed into this blog for your reading pleasure. Side bar: I know this guys name (but don't know how to spell it, so I shall call him Rafiki...just because it is a great name). His name is about all I know of this man. Keep that in mind during our convo.
Rafiki: When you get a chance can you give a review on http://www.yelp.com/ Company name _________ (I'm not writing his company cause somehow I think that would be helping him try and advertise his company through dating websites).
Me: What?
Rafiki: Impressed with the service. Very knowledgeable Technicians I would recommend them to my family members.
Me: I've never heard of that service (ps...I will tell you this. The service is exterminators. Good to know I was talking to a bug man. This is in no way bashing the business. It is really important. No one wants spiders meandering around in their home. No one!)
Rafiki: It's ur chance to lie for once
Me: (deciding to play along) The thing is I don't feel comfortable lying because I don't have pests.
Rafiki: Thanxs no thanxs
Me: Haha. This is so completely random
Rafiki: What u mean? I thought we cool. I guess not. That's how I eat.
Me: That's how you eat huh?
Rafiki: If u needed something with ur work and I could help I would
Me: So literally you want me to write a review?
Rafiki: Yes.
I then decided that I was done for the day. The next day I got two texts from Rafiki.
Rafiki: I see we are not cool.
Rafiki: Did you review on yelp?
I didn't reply. Wasn't really into discussing how Rafiki's eat at the moment. Then last night I received a few more nuggets of gold from him.
Rafiki: LOL
Me (cause I couldn't help myself, so I responded to that horrendous context): Why LOL?
Rafiki: Do you want me to be ur boyfriend?
At this point I was past the point of questioning the guy because he had already been written off as Charlie Sheen to me, but now I started seriously questioning the other females on this website. Has this guy had luck with his tactics? Sweet Lord above, I hope not.
Me: Um...no. I don't even know you.
Rafiki: Okay I am going to delete ur number.
Me: Peace
Rafiki (8:53 pm): Peeeeeeaccccccce.
Rafiki (8:53 pm): Can I come hang out?
This site is doing wonders on how I view some people in this world! God Bless you Rafiki! I hope you get your five stars in customer service, your glowing yelp review, and a girl who knows exactly how you eat; however, you won't be getting it from this girl.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Great Way to get into a Girl's Pantalones...Nope.
It's been days, weeks, months, years since I have reported on my activities in the cyber dating world, but let's be honest...besides a couple men that ended up being douchers or douche bags there hasn't been a lot of activity in the internet world for me. I actually stopped checking my account for awhile and decided to live in the here and now with the people I can see. But alas, that hasn't panned out for me either. Honestly, the men that I can see haven't been rocking my world either. You know how it goes...feast or famine. At times you have many a men floating around and wanting to hang out with you, and then without warning BOOM. No men. They disappeared. All of them. At once. It is quite the mystery.
To put it mildly I have been in a famine for a hot second times twelve. How does one get out of a famine you ask? Welp...you go back online. So I did, and let me tell you it has not disappointed me. Not a disappointment meaning I have found some great material for this lovely blog. As for the fellows...there has not been any real potential suitors that I care to indulge in.
Introducing...the List of Questions.
The List of Questions came to me a couple days ago from a man that I had stopped emailing a couple different times. The last time he tried to chat it up with me I decided to go ahead and reply (remember I was in a famine). Turns out this guy seemed ok. Best of all...he seemed rich. Side bar: I am not looking for a Sugar Daddy. Ever. Money is actually not a big deal to me. However, I was in a famine of epic proportions and thought, "Why not get fed some fine wines and cheeses?" I know. I'm a bad person.
Anyhoo...recently Mr. Inquiry asked if I had received his list of questions yet? Not thinking much about it I said I had not. In return he sent the LIST. I have not changed any of the gloriousness, so that you guys can decipher for yourselves. Enjoy.
The List of Questions:
So I'm on here looking for someone with longer-term relationship potential. Accordingly, I'm pretty specific about what I want and don't want and I have to ask the tough/awkward questions to find out if a person is or isn't worth pursuing. I compiled a list of questions yesterday that I'd like to try out on you. Hopefully, you won't be offended by these questions and will answer honestly. Otherwise, you're probably not the right woman for me anyway because I value open and honest communication regarding important issues. I'm no hypocrite. I'll gladly answer ANY questions you may ask of me.
1. Do you have ANY STDs (even oral herpes--cold sores, though that’s not a dealbreaker, even though I don’t have it)? If not:
a. When was the last time you had sex (including oral)? I’m only asking as it relates to the questions below.
b. When was the last time you were tested for STDs?
c. What STDs were you tested for (don't say "all" unless you can list all of them; I have the list :) )
d. Where were you last tested? I don’t need a name, just the type of place.
e. How long before getting tested did you have sex?
(BTW, I don’t have anything—not even oral herpes which most people supposedly have)
2. Are you on birth control? If so, what kind and since when?
3. Do you believe in abortion for yourself (don’t say you’re “pro choice” unless you would have one yourself, and not just in cases of rape or incest), in the event that you get pregnant and the guy is not on board with the pregnancy and you two aren't married (i.e., would you really choose to have a child and raise it on your own or potentially embroil yourself in a bitter custody battle and/or dysfunction for the next 18 years if you could avoid it)? I don’t second guess or judge what decisions a woman has already made prior to meeting me and accept her as she is and with any children she may have. However, I do believe in abortion as a legitimate back up method for me in the event that the primary method of birth control failed and the above conditions are present. I do not believe that sex must result in negative consequences (i.e., unplanned child, STD). I think sex is primarily for recreation/fun/bonding—not procreation. Pro-choice only applies to women in this country. A man’s “choice” is whether or not to sleep with a particular woman since he has no control over a woman’s body—and rightly so. Accordingly, if he chooses to be ignorant as to what she would do, he deserves whatever he gets/she ultimately decides. A responsible man who wants to maintain control over his own destiny will ask questions now—not later! If a woman chooses to lie about what she’d do, the karma fairy will get her eventually. :) BTW, if you have an IUD or your tubes have been tied, then this paragraph does not apply anyway.
4. How many kids do you want?
There you have it. My reason for asking these questions so soon is so that neither party wastes their time....I've had situations where I invest weeks or months in a relationship only to find out that we're really not on the same page including the issues addressed in my questions above. Had I asked these questions earlier, all of that waste could have been avoided. I hope you can see, understand, and, hopefully, agree with my reasoning. :)
Here is the deal. I think I should write back. My question for you my loyal readers (IE my close friends and family) is what should I write? The person with the best response will have their answers "published" in my next email to Mr. Inquiry. Ready Set Go!
To put it mildly I have been in a famine for a hot second times twelve. How does one get out of a famine you ask? Welp...you go back online. So I did, and let me tell you it has not disappointed me. Not a disappointment meaning I have found some great material for this lovely blog. As for the fellows...there has not been any real potential suitors that I care to indulge in.
Introducing...the List of Questions.
The List of Questions came to me a couple days ago from a man that I had stopped emailing a couple different times. The last time he tried to chat it up with me I decided to go ahead and reply (remember I was in a famine). Turns out this guy seemed ok. Best of all...he seemed rich. Side bar: I am not looking for a Sugar Daddy. Ever. Money is actually not a big deal to me. However, I was in a famine of epic proportions and thought, "Why not get fed some fine wines and cheeses?" I know. I'm a bad person.
Anyhoo...recently Mr. Inquiry asked if I had received his list of questions yet? Not thinking much about it I said I had not. In return he sent the LIST. I have not changed any of the gloriousness, so that you guys can decipher for yourselves. Enjoy.
The List of Questions:
So I'm on here looking for someone with longer-term relationship potential. Accordingly, I'm pretty specific about what I want and don't want and I have to ask the tough/awkward questions to find out if a person is or isn't worth pursuing. I compiled a list of questions yesterday that I'd like to try out on you. Hopefully, you won't be offended by these questions and will answer honestly. Otherwise, you're probably not the right woman for me anyway because I value open and honest communication regarding important issues. I'm no hypocrite. I'll gladly answer ANY questions you may ask of me.
1. Do you have ANY STDs (even oral herpes--cold sores, though that’s not a dealbreaker, even though I don’t have it)? If not:
a. When was the last time you had sex (including oral)? I’m only asking as it relates to the questions below.
b. When was the last time you were tested for STDs?
c. What STDs were you tested for (don't say "all" unless you can list all of them; I have the list :) )
d. Where were you last tested? I don’t need a name, just the type of place.
e. How long before getting tested did you have sex?
(BTW, I don’t have anything—not even oral herpes which most people supposedly have)
2. Are you on birth control? If so, what kind and since when?
3. Do you believe in abortion for yourself (don’t say you’re “pro choice” unless you would have one yourself, and not just in cases of rape or incest), in the event that you get pregnant and the guy is not on board with the pregnancy and you two aren't married (i.e., would you really choose to have a child and raise it on your own or potentially embroil yourself in a bitter custody battle and/or dysfunction for the next 18 years if you could avoid it)? I don’t second guess or judge what decisions a woman has already made prior to meeting me and accept her as she is and with any children she may have. However, I do believe in abortion as a legitimate back up method for me in the event that the primary method of birth control failed and the above conditions are present. I do not believe that sex must result in negative consequences (i.e., unplanned child, STD). I think sex is primarily for recreation/fun/bonding—not procreation. Pro-choice only applies to women in this country. A man’s “choice” is whether or not to sleep with a particular woman since he has no control over a woman’s body—and rightly so. Accordingly, if he chooses to be ignorant as to what she would do, he deserves whatever he gets/she ultimately decides. A responsible man who wants to maintain control over his own destiny will ask questions now—not later! If a woman chooses to lie about what she’d do, the karma fairy will get her eventually. :) BTW, if you have an IUD or your tubes have been tied, then this paragraph does not apply anyway.
4. How many kids do you want?
There you have it. My reason for asking these questions so soon is so that neither party wastes their time....I've had situations where I invest weeks or months in a relationship only to find out that we're really not on the same page including the issues addressed in my questions above. Had I asked these questions earlier, all of that waste could have been avoided. I hope you can see, understand, and, hopefully, agree with my reasoning. :)
Here is the deal. I think I should write back. My question for you my loyal readers (IE my close friends and family) is what should I write? The person with the best response will have their answers "published" in my next email to Mr. Inquiry. Ready Set Go!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Accidentally Couged It!
Last night I was doing my daily round of checking out the latest happenings in the online dating world when it happened. It snuck up on me like Jacquizz Rodger's sneaks up on the opposing teams defensive line. I absentmindedly clicked on what I thought was a harmless profile. Then, with horror I saw it. His age. This wee little lad was only 19 years old. WHA? Who is online dating at the ripe age of 19? Evidently, this guy. Sweet lord. I had just become an accidental Cougar. After letting out a short shriek and swiftly exiting out of his profile, I remembered something...this Mini Man could see that I viewed his profile. Sweet lord. I now looked creepier than Ben Roethlisberger during an off season.
Dear Online Dating Sites,
Please get a disclaimer that says, "This guy is young. Too young for you. Please do not look at his profile unless you want to feel all icky inside."
Love,
Me
Dear Online Dating Sites,
Please get a disclaimer that says, "This guy is young. Too young for you. Please do not look at his profile unless you want to feel all icky inside."
Love,
Me
Monday, November 1, 2010
Pet name at standard?
Last night I was "talking" to a guy online and he said I was "cuter than allowed by law" and then he called me "Tiny Lil Pint-Sized Trooper". Escusey bear?!?! Tiny Lil Pint-Sized Trooper?! Do you think I could legally change my name to that? Hilarious!
On another note: today my M.I.P. (Men Improvement Plan) might have gone up from 1- not at standard to a 2- approaching standard. The verdict is still out if I deserve this upgrade. However, I did follow the plan this weekend and didn't "over text". One of my friends went as far as to suggest I move up to a 3- at standard. That suggestion was quickly ruled out and laughed at. Rude stick! I think I am at standard...but barely.
On another note: today my M.I.P. (Men Improvement Plan) might have gone up from 1- not at standard to a 2- approaching standard. The verdict is still out if I deserve this upgrade. However, I did follow the plan this weekend and didn't "over text". One of my friends went as far as to suggest I move up to a 3- at standard. That suggestion was quickly ruled out and laughed at. Rude stick! I think I am at standard...but barely.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Men Improvement Plan
Last week I was presented with my first M.I.P. No, not minor in possession (been there, done that) but my first Men Improvement Plan. This plan is based off of what Special Education students receive to improve their learning (an IEP Individual Education Plan). I guess my friend thought I was two standard deviations below my grade level when it comes to men. Evidently, I am Special Ed in this subject and need a plan...immediately.
DMP (Dating Measure of Progress)
4- Exceeds standard
3- At standard
2- Approaching standard
1- Not at Standard
Results: 1 Not at standard
Strengths- on a dating website, went on a blind date
Weaknesses- on a dating website, eager texter (patience is a virtue), not enough "dates" too many late night calls, # deleter and adder which causes memorization of numbers
Trends, Issues, Concerns...
Needs to have patience, give a guy time to pursue, stop over texting, stop deleting numbers, NEED MORE PRACTICE
Growth goal- Join a real website and try for guys who actually "pay" for their dating service, date someone closer to your city
A big thanks to my friend for providing this pure piece of gold and hilariousness!
If anyone wants to add to my M.I.P. please feel free. This is a working document.
DMP (Dating Measure of Progress)
4- Exceeds standard
3- At standard
2- Approaching standard
1- Not at Standard
Results: 1 Not at standard
Strengths- on a dating website, went on a blind date
Weaknesses- on a dating website, eager texter (patience is a virtue), not enough "dates" too many late night calls, # deleter and adder which causes memorization of numbers
Trends, Issues, Concerns...
Needs to have patience, give a guy time to pursue, stop over texting, stop deleting numbers, NEED MORE PRACTICE
Growth goal- Join a real website and try for guys who actually "pay" for their dating service, date someone closer to your city
A big thanks to my friend for providing this pure piece of gold and hilariousness!
If anyone wants to add to my M.I.P. please feel free. This is a working document.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Lying for days!
And the lie was...................(mental drum roll) the obvious choice: I have met three people on the Internet that I thoroughly enjoy. It's more like five. Again I lie. The number is more like .6889 of a guy. That's right. A decimal of a man. Let's break it down shall we.
First and most importantly. God bless the Internet. It never fails to entertain me. They will let anyone on this little thing called Internet these days. I am still getting many a fascinating email from the special breed of men that happen to have accounts on the same free dating site I do. Sometimes I just want to meet them to ask them about their life and how it works. Then I again realize that I am on a free site and there are a ton of freaks and creeps out there, so I would be a fool to meet them anywhere and anytime. Write that advice down.
Now onto the stories behind Two Truths and a Lie
1. I did indeed go on a date with Mr. Good Apple from a few posts ago. (Yes, I do realize this meeting was LONG overdo). We met at a very public restaurant in the middle of our towns. He seemed like a really good guy. He was funny, smart, cute, and sweet. Problem was: I left the date still not knowing if we were better in the friends zone or if we should date again. Good Apple texted me after the date and then the whole next day. Classically, I didn't get another text for a whole week. Painful! Being a woman, I spent the next week contemplating what the date meant and what the lack of texts meant. Of course, being a man, Good Apple spent the next week thinking of beer, boobs, and baseball (actually I don't know what he was thinking about that week but it's fun to imagine). Bottom line: this "relationship" is To Be Continued for now.
2. I broke down. I saw an ad (damn you advertisers) for a special on eharmony and broke down and got a membership. I wish I had conferred with someone because this site has become the biggest waste of my money ever. The men all seem kind of like Mouth on One Tree Hill (when he was in high school because now a days I think he is kinda hotza). If you are not into One Tree Hill let me break it down even further. The men seem like E.T. They need to phone home and catch a clue. I am totally and completely lumping all these men in one group and I apologize for that. I actually blame myself. My profile must not show my true passions and what I desire in men. So, I tried to fool the system and specify who my "matches" should be, but they were still pretty Patrick Demsey nerdy (obviously before he became Dr. Dreamy).
3. Clearly I have not found three people I truly enjoyed. The reason? Internet. Dating. Pickings are thinskiway! I am not judging all of the sites out there. I am just judging the sites I am on.
How do I solve this dilemma? Don't worry! I have a friend who has outlined a plan for me. Stay tuned for the M.I.P. Men Improvement Plan for Cherry Slurgin.
First and most importantly. God bless the Internet. It never fails to entertain me. They will let anyone on this little thing called Internet these days. I am still getting many a fascinating email from the special breed of men that happen to have accounts on the same free dating site I do. Sometimes I just want to meet them to ask them about their life and how it works. Then I again realize that I am on a free site and there are a ton of freaks and creeps out there, so I would be a fool to meet them anywhere and anytime. Write that advice down.
Now onto the stories behind Two Truths and a Lie
1. I did indeed go on a date with Mr. Good Apple from a few posts ago. (Yes, I do realize this meeting was LONG overdo). We met at a very public restaurant in the middle of our towns. He seemed like a really good guy. He was funny, smart, cute, and sweet. Problem was: I left the date still not knowing if we were better in the friends zone or if we should date again. Good Apple texted me after the date and then the whole next day. Classically, I didn't get another text for a whole week. Painful! Being a woman, I spent the next week contemplating what the date meant and what the lack of texts meant. Of course, being a man, Good Apple spent the next week thinking of beer, boobs, and baseball (actually I don't know what he was thinking about that week but it's fun to imagine). Bottom line: this "relationship" is To Be Continued for now.
2. I broke down. I saw an ad (damn you advertisers) for a special on eharmony and broke down and got a membership. I wish I had conferred with someone because this site has become the biggest waste of my money ever. The men all seem kind of like Mouth on One Tree Hill (when he was in high school because now a days I think he is kinda hotza). If you are not into One Tree Hill let me break it down even further. The men seem like E.T. They need to phone home and catch a clue. I am totally and completely lumping all these men in one group and I apologize for that. I actually blame myself. My profile must not show my true passions and what I desire in men. So, I tried to fool the system and specify who my "matches" should be, but they were still pretty Patrick Demsey nerdy (obviously before he became Dr. Dreamy).
3. Clearly I have not found three people I truly enjoyed. The reason? Internet. Dating. Pickings are thinskiway! I am not judging all of the sites out there. I am just judging the sites I am on.
How do I solve this dilemma? Don't worry! I have a friend who has outlined a plan for me. Stay tuned for the M.I.P. Men Improvement Plan for Cherry Slurgin.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Two Truths and a Lie
It has been awhile since I graced you with my presence. I apologize for that. There have been a lot of successes in the internet world that I need to inform you on. Or have there? We are going to play our first game on the Slurgin home front. I will be giving you three options and you need to tell me which one is the lie. I will follow this post up with the stories that go behind them. Good luck to you all.
- I finally went out with a guy from the website.
-I have expanded my search and joined another website...not as free as the last one.
- I found at least three men that I have thoroughly enjoyed on dating sites.
Ok my friends. Which one reeks of lies from the Slurg?!
- I finally went out with a guy from the website.
-I have expanded my search and joined another website...not as free as the last one.
- I found at least three men that I have thoroughly enjoyed on dating sites.
Ok my friends. Which one reeks of lies from the Slurg?!
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